A Guide to Self-Compassion
A Guide to Self-Compassion: Understanding the Impact of Self-Criticism on Mental Health
When something goes wrong we often default to self-criticism. I imagine you’ve heard the phrase “you’re your own worst critic”. And it’s true - we’re really, really hard on ourselves. Oftentimes, we think of this type of self-criticism as a crucial tool that will help us make progress toward our personal goals. However, there is a significant difference between self-criticism and compassionate self-awareness. In fact, it turns out that relentless self-criticism has a negative impact on our overall mental health and wellbeing. There are a few folks in the research space whose work has highlighted the impact that our internal dialogue can have on us.
Dr. Emily Nagoski is a sex educator, author and researcher. In her book, Come As You Are, she points out an important insight that we should keep in mind. She notes that while we are responding to a myriad of external stressors (work, family issues, financial concerns, medical needs, etc.) we often self-criticize by telling ourselves we are stupid, worthless, or inadequate, and in turn our brains respond as if there was a tangible threat present. This has serious consequences for us beyond just “beating ourselves up.” This can increase stress hormones, cause us to feel isolated, and increase chances of depression developing or worsening. The good news is that this is preventable! By responding to ourselves with care and self-compassion and replacing self-criticism with more positive self-talk we can greatly reduce this stressor.
Here’s where we get into the differences between self-criticism and self-compassionate awareness. This can be a tricky concept for some people because our culture, workplaces, and families may have instilled the belief in us that if we aren’t hard on ourselves then we will lose all semblance of self-discipline and things will fall into chaos. The idea that if we are self-compassionate then we are also conceited, selfish and self-indulgent are myths! Additionally, research in behaviorism has shown that punishment is one of the least effective means to change a behavior (take a look at B.F. Skinner’s work on operant conditioning and positive reinforcement if you’re interested in delving further into this).
Dr. Kristin Neff has done extensive research on self-compassion and its impact on our mental health and well being. We don’t talk about being kind to ourselves in therapy for no reason - it is incredibly important that we decrease negative self-talk because it can detract from the progress that we’re making in other areas of treatment. One simple way people can incorporate self-compassion is to think about what they would say to a close friend who was struggling with a similar issue. Usually when I ask this question there is a big gap between our internal narrative and what we would say to someone we love and care deeply about. Shouldn’t we also respond to ourselves as if we are someone we love and deeply care about? If we’re able to decrease our self-criticism, we open the door to build resilience, to graciously respond to (and learn from) our mistakes, and build trust with ourselves. Ultimately, we build a sense of self-worth by engaging in BOTH self-awareness and self compassion.
If you’re interested in learning more, here are some references and recommendations for further reading:
Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff
Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Dr. Emily Nagoski & Dr. Amelia Nagoski
**If visual/auditory media is more of your thing all of these authors have podcast interviews and YouTube videos available that cover the same topics!