Befriend Your OCD

An IFS Guide to Befriending Your OCD Part This Holiday Season

Holidays can be a difficult time if you’re living with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). From a loss of routine and increased social interactions to the external pressures for the holidays to be "perfect" or "magical," this leaves plenty of opportunity for triggers to present. When OCD flares up, especially around what is supposed to be a joyful time, the tendency is often to fight back, argue against, or resist the intrusive thoughts altogether.

What if there was a different way? What if there was another path forward that didn't involve battling your own brain all holiday season? That is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) comes in.

IFS is a model of psychotherapy developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 1980s. This model views the mind not as a single entity, but as a series of "parts" that develop through life experiences, all led by a core Self. IFS explains that we have protector parts that attempt to proactively or retroactively hide wounded parts of us called "exiles." These exiles are often younger parts who have been burdened by negative beliefs (e.g., I am not safe, I must be perfect) through difficult life experiences.

With this model, we see an opportunity for a far more compassionate approach to OCD. Typically, we are tempted to villainize OCD, visualize it as a monster or creature, and push it away - which is understandable! It's an instinct to want these intrusive thoughts, images, and compulsions to just "go away." However, let's paint a different picture.

If your OCD began when you were young, let’s imagine an anxious child. Maybe it looks like a younger version of you - one who, perhaps, felt scared, anxious, isolated, overwhelmed, or helpless. The OCD part came in to try to protect you and keep you safe when these emotions would come up.

OCD parts are very protective, and their job is to keep you from ever feeling that initial pain again. Why does it panic during the holidays? Because the changes feel scary. Holiday travel, staying in unfamiliar houses, the pressure to clean before guests arrive, or the anxiety over giving the "right" gift all validate its belief that the world is inherently dangerous. It sees the loss of routine as a loss of security and may ramp up its compulsive efforts - checking, cleaning, redoing, or ruminating - in a desperate attempt to restore order.

The key to IFS is to realize this protector is operating from a place of deep positive intent.

The way to help this part is to approach it from the Self. The Self, with characteristics made up of the 8 C’s - Confidence, Calm, Compassion, Courage, Creativity, Clarity, Curiosity, and Connectedness - is within everyone and only needs uncovering.

To access your Self, you first need to unblend from the part. When you’re blended, you are the OCD fear (e.g., "I must ensure all of my family and friends stay safe by repeating this positive thought"). When you unblend, you create space (e.g., "A part of me is scared of something happening to those I care about and wants to attempt to control it"). This shift allows you to approach the part, not with panic, but with compassion.

Approaching your OCD part with Self-energy is like offering that scared child a warm mug of hot cocoa. You don't criticize the part for being afraid; you validate its distress and offer comfort instead. You use your inner resources to let this part know that the adult Self is now there, and it's safe.

This holiday season, when a trigger presents, try this three-step process to transform your relationship with your OCD part:

1. Recognize and Respect

When the urge to obsess or perform a ritual hits, pause and ask the question:

"Where do I feel this part in my body?" (Is it a knot in your stomach? A racing heart?)

Acknowledge its presence without judgment:

"Hello, OCD part. I see how hard you're working."

The most crucial step is to ask the part:

"What are you feeling? What are you trying to protect me from? What are you afraid will happen if you don’t perform this role?”

Listen for the answer without evaluation. If the compulsion is about checking the stove, the part might respond: "I’m afraid the house will burn down and it will be my fault."

2. Validate and Unburden 

Once you understand the fear, thank the part sincerely for trying to protect you. Acknowledge its effort:

"Thank you for trying to keep us safe from such a huge fear."

If any other parts that feel annoyed, angry, or anything other than the 8 C’s show up, acknowledge their presence and ask if they are willing to take a step back while we move towards the OCD part. 

Then, from your Self-led perspective, gently reparent the part. Remind it that its fear is rooted in the unknown, but the adult Self is present and capable now. Say, as if to a child:

"I hear you. That fear is real, but I can handle this now. You don't have to carry this heavy burden alone."

3. Self-led Exposures

You don't need to eliminate the ritual immediately, but you might decide on a tiny, compassionate step of exposure from your Self-led state.

When the chaos of the holidays makes your OCD part work overtime, give that nervous inner child the greatest gift of all: your unconditional presence and the assurance that it is safe to rest.

It is best to work with a qualified mental health professional to guide your work with parts, understand Self-led exposures, and identify what other parts may be present with OCD. Reach out to Health in Tandem if you are interested in learning more about utilizing IFS for OCD.